She swung at the pinata with crutches
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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