so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
