I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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