Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
