textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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