I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
