yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
