Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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