she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
