dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
