I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
