Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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