I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
