Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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