I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
