You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
