Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
