I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.