Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
