how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
