I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I checked into jail on foursquare
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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