If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
