I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
