Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
