Plan B is the new Plan A
My sheets look like a crime scene.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
