see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
