I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
