M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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