I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
