I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
