I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
