My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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