I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
