DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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