I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
