I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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