I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
