I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
