Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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