This house was built for laser tag.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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