is your mom at the bar?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
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Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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