i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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