He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
