she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
