I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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