Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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