your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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