my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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