Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
