I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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