I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
