Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
