I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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